


Boystuck

by Toki_Blade



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Rule 63, gender switch as a character study, if it makes you feel better in an non-existing squeal dave is trans, lying, selfhate, tags are stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-04
Updated: 2013-07-09
Packaged: 2017-12-10 09:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/784597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toki_Blade/pseuds/Toki_Blade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You kind of began to hate yourself after a while. It started out slow with a mild dislike and now you can hardly look in the mirror anymore. But by now you’re so deep in the lie, you don’t think you can find a way out anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hate this story so much. So much. It's stupid. Really. But my moirail seems to like it just fine so whatever.  
> This is mostly my practice on finishing things. 
> 
> ~toki

Your name is Dave Strider. You’re fifteen years of awesome, you’re originally from Texas, and you are officially the new kid on the block.

At least, that’s what you tell your new class. You don’t actually think it’ll go over very well. You’re kind of freaking out, actually. Like what if the teachers ask you about you’re sunglasses? (But it’s in your file, so they shouldn’t). Or what if you’re doomed to hang with Bro for the rest of your days? (Not that he’s not totally awesome or anything.) That it’s not any different here, and you’re still revered but slightly ostracized. So you didn’t actually think about what you were going to say. (Didn’t think they’d make you _introduce_ yourself, what is this? _Middle School_?) But you’ve got half the class laughing, about a fourth of them smiling, and the rest giving you mixed looks of raised eyebrows and confusion.

The teacher rolls her eyes at you and tells you to go and sit in front of one Jade Harley.

Jade seems pretty cool and you introduce yourself to her as ‘Just Dave’ and she tells you to call her ‘Just Jade’.

You ask if you could call her ‘JJ’ for short. She laughs but tells you ‘No’ and you don’t push it.

Jade invites you to sit with her and her friends at lunch, and you say ‘sure’ because you’re not sure who else you’d sit by and were honestly just planning on hiding out on the roof or something.

The teacher calls everyone’s attention to the front of the class, and you give Jade a Strider smile before you turn around. Which is just you quirking up the corners of your mouth slightly because you like to think you’re cool.

She smiles back but you’re kind of weirded out because just as you turn around you think you see her blush.

But maybe she’s just a shy person.

Your next two classes are rather uneventful, a few more girls and even a couple of guys ask you to sit with them at lunch, but you’ve already got plans to sit with Jade (which kind of thrills you) so you tell them no.

The guys just kind of shrug it off but the girls seem genuinely let down.

And you’re thinking, maybe it will be different here.

You have Art fourth block, and sit next to a girl named Terezi Pyrope.

She’s wearing a pair of rad red sunglasses, so you almost instantly like her. It turns out she wears hers because she’s actually blind (but it’s more like cataracts or something so she can see some large blurred shapes and massive blobs of color).  The drawing that she’s currently working on is pretty sweet, and she really likes colors (especially red). By the end of class you’ve pretty much forgotten that she can’t really see.

Lunch rolls around and you follow Terezi to the lunch room. She continuously wacks people in the shins with her walking stick seemingly on purpose and you’re the closest to a giggling fit that a Strider can be. Meaning you’re mouth was quirked on one side without sign of end.

She says that you should come sit by her and meet her friends, because they would probably either really hate you or really like you and she’d really like you to piss her friend (Cat something) off. You’re actually sort of cursing yourself for taking door number one and not waiting to see what your other options were, but a promise is a promise, and a Strider keeps their word. Even if you didn’t _really_ promise.

You apologise, because you really _would_ like to sit next to her, and split off to find Jade.

You find said girl sitting off at a corner table with a blonde girl and a brunet boy who has the dorkiest glasses you have ever seen. They’re large, and square. And you guess now that you think about it, Jade has large _round_ glasses, but on her they seem like they belong.

Not that Brunet Boy’s glasses don’t belong on his face. You think they look fine. You go around with giant aviators all the time. So, each to their own you suppose.

Jade calls out to you when she sees you approaching. “Dave!” She yells, and waves her arms in the air.

You tilt your head up slightly and grant her with a “Sup.”

She pats the seat next to her so you sit and turn to stare at the other two participants at the table.

“Dave.” Jade says again, then motions to her table mates, “This is John and Rose. Some of my very good friends! Guys, this is Dave! From my Math class!”

John smiles over at you and says “Nice to meet you.”

Rose nods and sends you a gentle, knowing, calculated smile, “Pleasure.”

You nod your head at them and they quickly fall into conversation.

Jade was a gardener and loved dogs.

John liked movies (but mostly ones with Nicolas Cage) and played the piano.

Rose was (not? she was pretty vague on the subject) into wizards and was an aspiring psychologist.

You wanted to be a DJ and liked drawing.

John thought that it was pretty great that you liked to draw, but you assured him (adamantly) that you weren't any good (ironically. on purpose.).

Jade and Rose had started a fairly involved conversation, something about ducks and cheese, but you weren’t all that interested and it seemed to be an ongoing argument, so you just turned to talk to John.

“They get like this a lot.” He tells you as he rubs the back of his neck. You glance at them but they pay you no mind.

You shrug, “Well, sometimes you just gotta accept someone’s love for-” you pause to listen to the two girls for a moment, “-mold and webbed feet.”

He laughs and you engage in a conversation about music and your respective lives.

John shares the next class you have, Biology, so you and he walk to class together.

John seems like a nice guy, maybe not as fun as Terezi had been, but you still liked him alright.

You have Sociology with Rose and she motions for you to sit next to her, so you do.

“Dave.” She greets. “How has your day been?”

“It’s been rough.” You tell her, “People just keep jumping at my feet, trying to get a piece of me. Nobody can get enough of Dave Strider. It’s hard to even walk down the hallway. It’s hard, Rose, and nobody understands.”

Rose nods, “I’m sure it’s quite difficult being as big a celebrity as yourself.”

“You know it. Hardly been here a day and my popularity is too hot to handle. You can’t handle this Strider, Rose, you’ll get burned.”

“I’ll be sure to keep water nearby, Dave. Wouldn’t want any accident, now would we?”

Yeah, Rose was cool. You liked her.

-

The end of school finds you shoving your new text books in your locker, and your pile of assignments in your bag. Apparently, being the new kid doesn’t exempt you from school work.

Just as you close your locker, arms wrap themselves around your neck and you have to drop your backpack in order to gain your balance back and not fall.

“Dave!” John exclaims, and when you push him off the boy _giggles_. “Where are you going?”

You raise an eyebrow and pick up your bag. “I gonna go outside and try to find my brother.”

“Your brother picks you up?”

“If he doesn't forget.” You say, and John laughs, even though you weren't joking. Your brother would either be here right on time, or he wouldn’t come at all.

You and John make your way out the front doors. You scan the crowds of people and the vehicles waiting to pick up the adolescents.

There is no signature beat-up red pick-up anywhere to be seen.

You curse under your breath.

John glances over at you. “Something wrong, Dave?”

You shrug and try to keep the anger and disappointment off of your face. “Nah, just looks like I’m walking today.” If you even remembered the way.

John pressed his lips together and furrowed his eyebrows. “Do you know the way?” He asks.

No. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.” You start to walk off and wave over your shoulder, “See you tomorrow.”

John doesn’t say anything for a moment, and you don’t turn around.

Then he’s grabbing your arm and pointing over to a white car a few yards away. “Hey, my dad could give you a ride!”

You glance over at the white car and the shadowed figure inside. “Look, John, I really don’t-”

But he’s already pulling you over to the car, saying “It’s really no problem! My dad won’t mind at all!”

Well, you suppose John doesn’t _exactly_ count as a stranger.

He leaves you at the back door on the passenger's side and then circles to sit behind his father. You pull the door open and slide in only after John has seated himself.

“-So you can right? You can drive Dave home?” He’s saying.

“Of course son.” Says John’s dad, then turns around slightly to nod at you, “It’s nice to meet you David.” You’re about to correct him ‘it’s _just_ Dave’, but he asks where you live before you can.

You give him directions (as best you can, at least you know the street name) and he starts up the car and pulls out.

John turns to you, “You live in an apartment?” He asks, and you nod, because you just _said_ that.

Apparently it’s cool that you live in an apartment, and John has never been in one, and you two should totally hang out sometime, and you should come to his house sometime and then the two of you could watch movies or play videogames or-

and then John’s dad pulled in front of your apartment building and you’re hopping out (after thanking him of course, Strider’s aren’t _rude_ ) and running up the steps and in the doors.

You’re not trying to get away from John by any means (well, okay, you kind of are) but only so he won’t see the smile that you’re trying to cover over. Because someone wants to _hang out_ with you. Actually wants to spend time with you outside of school which is _awesome_ and _scary_. And you’re not sure how you’d deal with it if you actually became friends with the guy.

You make your way up the stairs, pulling your face together. Because Strider’s are cool and don’t lose control over their emotions. Even at the possible prospect of friends.

You pull yourself together as you enter the apartment.

It’s empty.

You grab an apple juice out of the fridge (carefully!) and make your way to your room.

You’re pretty sure there are some child neglect laws your brother is breaking but you could care less at the moment, because you like being alone and you might actually have _friends_.

You go to bed sometime after midnight (not that you were waiting up or anything) and almost forget to set your alarm.

Your brother still isn’t home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, look. Reason for the title! I hope this chapter helps that.
> 
> And just to let it be known: Bro is my favorite character. (save Casey for whatever reason) So therefore Bro cannot be a douche. Well... he can be. But at the very least he's a cool douche.
> 
> And thank you Blade for editing~ you're so awesome!
> 
> ~toki

Your name is Dave Strider, and you're pretty sure everyone thinks you're a dude.

Which is cool and all, it's not that you really care.

Except you _do_ care and you're _not_  a _dude_.

You blame your Bro.

Honestly, who names a girl _Dave_.

Not that you really care.

You actually really like your name. It’s always served its purpose, given you something to call yourself and something to respond to.

Kind of like a dog.

Which you’re not.

And you guess you don’t really have a real... feminine voice? Or the most prominent of chests.

And maybe you want to be a DJ when you grow up instead of getting an MRS degree at some shady college like the majority of your double chromosomed race.

And maybe you’re allergic to skirts and dresses or anything of the like.

And maybe you don’t wear a lot of makeup (read none).

And maybe you think that any shoe without its heel flat on the ground and your foot at nothing more than a 180 degree angle has it out for you.

And maybe that girl blushed when you sat down next to her and introduced yourself.

And maybe now she’s flirting with you which may or may not be the single most embarrassing thing that has happened to you (in public, you could name hundreds of worse things you’re brother has put you through).

And maybe you need to rethink your life a little.

Your day had started pretty normal, you had to run to school (good thing you knew the way now) because your brother _still_ wasn’t home (or maybe he only came home during the time you bothered sleeping) and were almost late for Math.

Jade smiles at you and greets you as you sit down to catch your breath (but not panting, because Strider’s don’t pant) and she introduces you to Sara who has the seat next to yours and was apparently sick yesterday.

“Sup,” You say, definitely _not_ breathless, “Dave Strider, nice to meet you.” You hold your hand out, not caring if it’s sweaty and gross. The girl stares at you with wide eyes, glancing you up and down, she takes your hand (apparently not caring either) and _blushes_. Which is weird you think, but whatever.

But then she introduces herself. “Sara” she says, and _bats_ her _eyelashes_ at you, and you’re kind of freaking out because _woah_  you do _s_ _o_  not swing that way, and then Jade is falling over your arm breaking your hands apart, smiling the fakest smile up at you and glaring over at the other girl.

“So why were you late Dave? Forget to set your alarm this morning?” And she’s laughing and pushing you playfully. And _what the heck_.

“Uh, no. I had to, um,” you glance between the two girls, “walk, my bro couldn’t drive me.”

And Sara opens her mouth as it to say something, but the teacher calls attention to herself, and _thank God_ because you were not sure what was going on at _all_.

She passes you a few notes to you but you pretend not to see.  She also drops a few pencils noticeably close to your desk. You leave them there.

When the bell rings you abscond out of there faster than you’ve ever absconded in your life.

Bro would’ve been proud.

The classes you have before Art are equally as disturbing, girls keep smiling at you and offering to do stuff for you, it’d actually be pretty awesome if one, it wasn’t creepy as hell, and two, if all the guys weren’t sending you glares that are most likely wishing death upon you.

You barely make it to Art without having a mental breakdown.

You slump down into the seat next to Terezi and your head falls down onto the desk. Sure it’s not cool, but you’re kind of freaking out right now and could care less.

Terezi cackles at you and pats your back. “Rough day, cool kid?”

And you want to explain, you _really_ do, but you’re not sure how, and you’re not sure if you’d freak Terezi out.

“Nah, nothings wrong. I’m cool as ice.”

She laughs again, “Oh, don’t give me that, what, does everyone think you’re a guy or something?” She giggles.

You stare at her and she giggles again, “Your silence tells me that I’m right.”

“How did you- I mean, _everyone else_ -”

She rolls her eyes, “I’m blind, cool kid; I may not _see_ everything, but I sure _know_ everything.  I mean, you may have given off a guyish _vibe_ but you’re a girl through and through.”

She turns to her painting and starts to cover the left side entirely in bright red acrylic.

And suddenly Terezi is your favorite person ever.

You head with Terezi to lunch and when she turns to go to her lunch table you follow her. Not that you didn’t like sitting with Jade and her friends, but because you were still pretty weirded out about the fiasco with Jade this morning.

Terezi sits down and you sit to her right. She pulls out a bag of Skittles and offers you some. You take them because Skittles are awesome and because you have nothing else for lunch.

She pops a few in her mouth and giggles, “Taste the rainbow, cool kid.”

You stifle a laugh (because Striders don’t laugh in public, it’d be like showing weakness or something, you’re not really sure) and other students start filling up seats around you.

Terezi sits with eleven other kids, which would be a problem and you would feel terrible for taking someone’s seat but one boy sits at the end of the table in a wheelchair.

Terezi’s angry friend (Karkat she told you) came up to you and just _stared_ at you with the tiredest glare you’ve ever seen on a person. He kind of looked like an angry teddy bear and you kind of wanted to just give him a hug (you’d tell yourself for ironic purposes but you think it’s just a vibe he gives off without realising it). You actually tell Terezi this in a hushed voice that you _knew_ he could hear (“I just wanna give him a hug. Poor little guy.” “See, I _knew_ you’d understand, hehe!”) and you _swear_ that he actually _growled_.

“You’re _in_ my _seat_ , _fuckass_.” He bites out and you still just want to hug him (because aww, widdle Karkles is using grownup words!) but you think he’d just bite off your head (and you’re too cool for hugs, Strider hugs could cure cancer you swear [you’ve only ever gotten one and that was when you were five, this is why you don’t have cancer]) so you don’t.

Instead you choose to be clever (and by ‘clever’ you mean ‘jerk’) “Is your _name_ on it?”

He turns positively _red_ (and Terezi licks her lips and says ‘Yum’) and his mouth reminds you of a fish out of water for a moment before he snaps it shut and sits on Terezi’s other side.

Karkat refuses to even glance your way for the rest of lunch. You listen to a tall senior and the wheelchair kid rap and play with pokemon cards and kind of want to join in but don’t.

Terezi walks you to your next class and gives you a hug at the door, cackling at the looks that a few of the other girls give her.

“See you later cool kid!” She calls, and you enter the room.

John spends the entirety sending you weird looks that you can’t quite make out.

You still don’t want to deal with him so you rush to your next class.

You’d nearly forgotten that you sat next to Rose in this class.

“Dave.” She greets, and you grant her with a stiff nod. “I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t sit with us at lunch today. Poor John was terribly distraught. Though he might have done something wrong?”

She glances at you out of the corner of her eye.

“What!?” You say, a little too loud and frantic to be coming from a Strider. The kid who’d wanted to hang and had given you a ride home _thought he’d done something wrong_.

Man, you were such a _dick_.

Rose has turned her head towards you, and has a single eyebrow quirked up.

“Uh, no. No. He didn’t do anything wrong. I just, I sat with Terezi today. Sorry.”

Why are you apologising?

She nods and turns back to her notebook. “Good. I feared that we might have done something to, upset you.”

“No. You guys were, cool. It’s just, I wanted to sit with Terezi.” You can feel your Bro’s eyes on you. You know you’re not acting like a Strider. _Or_ like Bro. But Bro’s a _dude_  and you’re _not_ and _how the heck to girls act_  anyway?

You see her mouth quirk up at the corners.

You feel like the conversation would have continued, but the bell rang and the teacher began taking attendance.

Karkat is in your English class, but he’s glaring at you from across the room, and you don’t feel like making him hate you even more.

John is waiting for you at your locker.

He’s fidgeting and fumbling with his fingers.

He jumps when you call out to him.

“D-dave! I’m sorry if I freaked you out yesterday! It’s just, I was _really_ excited to have another guy hanging out with us, because, like, I’m the only guy and sometimes I feel a little weird always hanging out with two girls, oh! But it’s not like I don’t have any guy friends. Just, my two best friends are girls. And that doesn’t sound any better, does it? All I wanted to say was-”

You shove a hand on his mouth and open your locker with the other one. He thinks you’re a guy too.

Well _fine_.

“Dude. Chill.” You say as you shove unneeded items in your locker. “I sat with this girl from my Art class. You didn’t freak me out. Striders don’t freak out. It’s not something we do.”

“Oh,” the large smile from yesterday returns. “Well do you need another ride today?”

You slam your locker and pick up your bag. “Well, let’s find out.”

John’s dad drives you home again today and you’re more involved in the conversation this time.

Bro still isn’t home.

You go to bed around ten and your alarm is set for six thirty.

You have _friends_  and you’re kind of excited to see them again tomorrow. (Not that you’ll ever say that out loud.)

Even if most of them think that you’re a guy.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The next day you’re not rushed at all.

You woke up with plenty of time to spare getting ready and excess time to walk to school.

Jade greets you with a hug when you get to class.

She talks adamantly and insists that you sit with her at lunch today, because ‘John was so sad yesterday!’

You promise that you will.

It turns out you also have History with Karkat, you just didn’t know him before. He avoids all contact even when you sit directly in front of him, leaning on the back of a chair.

“Hey.” you say, and he pretends to be taking notes, even though there’s nothing up on the board yet. So you try again, poking his forehead. “Hey.”

“What the fuck could you possibly want you festering _asshole_. Didn’t you humiliate me enough at lunch yesterday!? Have you decided to make it your life’s goal to make my life fucking _miserable_? Do you get off on it? I bet you do. You think it’s so fucking hilarious that-”

“I just wanted to apologize.” You say over him quickly. “And if you have a thing for Terezi and feel threatened or some shit, you don’t have to worry. I’m not interested nor will I ever be.”

You return to your seat.

You can feel Karkat’s gaze on you through the rest of class.

Terezi beams up at you when you slide into Art.

“Hey there, cool kid!” She calls, “I heard about what you said to Karkat, pretty nice of you if I do say so myself. Though, are you sure it’d never work out between us?”

You roll your eyes. “I just didn’t want to break Karkat’s fragile heart, you know? Though I’m sure our children would be pretty rad, Terezi. If that’s what you’re worried about.”

She giggles, “The raddest!”

Art is your favorite class.

Lunch you follow up on your word and sit by Jade again, hugging Terezi as you go.

You’ve never really hugged anyone _back_ before. Not really. But Terezi likes you _and_ she knows that you’re a girl. So you figure that she deserves a life free of cancer. She laughs but thanks you all the same, waving as you to go your separate ways. (But it’s more like she’s waving at this guy to your far left.)

You slide into the seat next to John and he jumps.

“Dave!” He grins over at you.

“Sup.”

“Haha, not much. Sup with you?” His eyes are wide and questioning behind his large frames.

It’s actually kind of cute.

Woah. What?

“Not much man.”

“Oh. So who did you sit by yesterday? Were they sad that you didn’t today?”

“Nah bro. I was just sitting with some of my numerous fans.”

John eyes you, “Your fans?”

You shrug. “Yeah man. The fans called. I have to appease them every now and then, you know. Give them something to nibble on before snatching it away. Leaves them wanting more.”

“I believe he was sitting with one Terezi Pyrope,” Rose cuts in.

“Oh, you’re friends with Terezi?” John asks.

“Dude.” You say, “I’m friends with _everybody_.”

Rose laughs and rolls her eyes, “Well, we are so glad that you have decided to grace us with your presence, David.”

David.

Male name.

“It’s just Dave.” You say. “Like, legitimately. It’s on my birth certificate.”

Rose opens her mouth again but she’s cut off my Jade who throws her arms around your neck and coos.

“Dave! I’m so glad you’re sitting by us again!”

You roll your eyes and she removes herself from your person to sit by Rose. “Duh. I’m a Strider. Striders don’t break their promises.”

John laughs. “Well I’m an Egbert, and... I think all we do is bake cakes.” He laughs again and rubs the back of his neck.

“Harleys hunt!” Piped Jade.

“I believe Lalondes are only known for getting shit faced drunk,” Rose says thoughtfully.

You all laugh.

The rest of lunch is spent talking about your various caretakers.

You follow John to class and he tries to convince you to help him prank his English teacher.

Rose lets you read her notes from earlier in the year.

Karkat doesn’t even spare you a glance.

You meet John by your locker and talk with him on the way to his father’s car, no red truck in sight.

You fix yourself a pack of ramen for dinner and finish up some school work.

You’re in bed by ten and you can’t help but realise that this may be the third day in a row that you haven’t seen your brother.

No big deal though, sometimes he’s gone for weeks on end.

It’s cool. You like spending time alone.

You roll over and try to fall asleep, denying that your eyes fly open at every little sound that could possibly be bro.

Not that you miss him or anything.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And look! The entirety of this story (save three chapters that I still have to write) has been edited by the most awesome person in the universe! Whooooo! So now I can post at will. As much as I want. 
> 
> And, okay. Admittedly this chapter was fun to write, I just wish Karkles was in this story more. And that I could write his character well. Whatever.
> 
> ~toki

At some point in your life you realise that you must have stopped dressing as a girl, even though you’re not sure if you ever really dressed like one. Money was tight and it was just easier to wear your Bro’s old clothes, not to mention plain tees were a lot cheaper than any of those fancy, frilly, girly tops.

You never really liked them anyways.

Your figure it partly has to do with you; guy’s clothes were just _so much_ more comfortable and practical than girl’s clothes. You could move more freely and didn’t have to worry about handwashing anything. The other part you blame on your brother, because he probably thought it was ironic as hell to have his younger sister wear boy’s clothing.

But now, looking in your closet, you realise you can’t find _anything_ that looks _remotely_ feminine. You’ve torn out most of your shirts (lord _knows_ you have no skirts) and they all seem rather... unisex.

You could just be a _really_ tomboyish girl.

But now that you’re looking at yourself in the mirror, with your short pale blonde hair, and your baggy shirt and black jeans, and all you can really see is a teenage boy looking back at you. And it’s kind of freaking you out.

You’ve never viewed yourself as anything other than ‘Dave’. You are Dave. You are a Strider. You are cool. You are a _girl_.

Gender’s never really been that big of an issue before. You only ever really hang out with your brother, and both you and he know what gender you are.

At least you should hope.

Now though, all you can see is Dave Strider, cool guy.

You have to look down your own shirt to make sure that you hadn’t turned male during the course of one night.

You’re still a girl.

And you’re still a girl when Jade greets you this morning.

And you’re still a girl when John jokingly calls you his ‘best bro’ at lunch today.

You’re mostly numb through your next two classes.

You’re partnered up in English class. You’re supposed to read through the first act of Hamlet with a partner.

You get Karkat.

He’s already glaring at you before you even sit down.

You sigh.

You _really_ just don’t have the time for this.

“Listen man, let’s just get this done. And can we _try_ to do it _somewhat_ civilly? I mean-”

“I like Terezi.” He blurts, and his face is growing crimson.

You stare blankly at him.

What.

“Uh, yeah man. That’s cool. But can we please just get through this? I really just want to-”

“ _No_.” He says, interrupting you again. Rude. “I _like_ Terezi.” He puts emphasis on the word ‘like’.

“Cool. So like what. You have a crush on her or something? Why are you even telling me this? Are you _trying_ to give me fuel to make fun of you with? Because this is _gold_ right here man, I am _telling_ you.”

His glare intensified, but the effect is lost behind his blush. “I like Terezi, so I’d _love_ it if you could back the fuck off.”

You still don’t get it.

“Woah man, language. Don’t want me calling the teacher over here do you?” you smirk but he’s still glaring at you. “Okay dude, what do you mean ‘back off’.”

“I mean, I was here first, I’ve _known_ her longer, and I’m pretty sure that she likes me back. So I don’t need some ‘cool kid’” (he actually used air quotes. adorable.) “swooping in and stealing her out from under my nose! I. Have. Dibs.”

He opens his book.

Wait.

Did he actually think that you had a _thing_ for Terezi?

This might actually be hilarious if you weren't so horrified.

“Dude. No. _No_. Oh man bro, so many no’s on _so_ many levels.” You have never been so freaked out in your life.

Well, maybe that one time that bro hid in your closet and rigged your room with smuppet boobietraps.

No, not even then.

He’s giving your a weird look.

“Dude. Look. I like Terezi. Don’t get me wrong, I like her alot. She’s a cool chick.” You take a breath and look him in the eyes (well, _you_ do. he’s just staring at your shades) “I don’t have a thing for Terezi. Never have, _never_ will. Capiche?”

His brows furrow and he bites his lip (you’ll have to question Terezi on her feelings towards him, because you’re pretty sure it’s mutual.) “Then why-” he stops himself, his eyes widening. “Oh. _Oh_. Uh, yeah. Sorry, I just thought, um, nevermind. Let’s just read.”

Now you’re the confused one.

“No. No man. You can’t just say ‘oh’ like that and not elaborate. Common dude, don’t leave me hangin’.”

Karkat shifts in his seat. “Well, I mean,” He’s avoiding looking at your face, “you’re uh, _gay_ , right?”

You choke on your own spit. (very un-strider-like, but seriously.)

 _What_.

“ _What_!?” You’re trying not to suffocate.

“Uh, you’re gay right? I mean that’s why-”

“No! _No_. So many no’s dude, _so many_. Just because I only like a girl as a friend makes me gay?”

“Well, that’s-”

“No. I can tell you with the _utmost_ confidence, that I like the opposite gender.” Well, it’s not a lie.

Karkat’s still awkward afterwards and keeps sending you weird looks, but at least he’s not glaring anymore.

John meets you by your locker again but you’re still feeling weird and fuzzy inside. (and not warm kitty fuzzy either, more like rotten peach fuzzy)

You walk with him to his outside and haven’t even realized all day that it was Friday until John says something.

“So are you doing anything this weekend?” He ask as he stops on the curb scanning for his father’s car.

“Huh?” You say intelligently.

“Uh, the weekend? You do realize it’s Friday, right?” Your lack of answer and blank stare inform him that, no. No you did not realize that it was Friday. He laughs at you. “You’re kind of an airhead sometimes Dave, no matter how much you try to cover it up.”

You glare at him and punch his shoulder mumbling some bullshit about irony.

He laughs again but rubs his arm where you hit him. “Well, you maybe wanna hang out this weekend?”

Hang out.

Like friends.

Because John is your friend.

You have _friends_.

You shrug. “That might be cool.”

John _beams_. “Awesome! Maybe we could have a sleepover! Stay up all night and watch movies or something! I have a bunch that are totally _awesome_.”

John keeps talking but you don’t hear any of it anymore.

Sleepover.

When two friends stay the night together at of the two’s house.

Two friends of mutual gender.

You were pretty sure that a guy and a girl having a ‘sleepover’ meant something entirely different.

You don’t realize that you’ve stopped in the middle of the road until the car that must’ve slammed on it’s breaks honks at you.

You scramble over to where John is giving you a weird look.

“Dude, what is up with you today? You’ve been spacing since lunch.”

You shrug again, “Nothing. But hey, listen. Now that I’m thinking about it, I actually have this thing that I have to do with my bro. Sorry, maybe another time?”

That is such a boldfaced lie and you know it. Your brother probably won’t even be home this weekend.

John’s face falls. “Oh,” he says, but then smiles. “We’ll just have to plan ahead or something, huh?”

You nod but don’t answer.

When his dad reaches your apartment you jump out of the car and mumble a ‘bye’ over your shoulder and are through the door and up the stairs before you even hear if they respond.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, no. I still hate this story. So much.
> 
> ~toki

Over the last few weeks you’ve fallen into a sort of rut.

You get up in the morning, get dressed, (eat sometimes), brush your teeth, say goodbye to your bro if he’s sleeping on the couch, and head on your way to school.

Jade greets you in the mornings (and the other day she asked if you wanted to hang out but you were getting this weird vibe from her so you said that you couldn’t) with a hug and monopolises your time and usually makes you have to hide a smile by the end of class.

She’s a really good friend and you really like her, but a friend is all she’ll ever be.

Art with Terezi is fun, and you’ve hung out with her once or twice. She always just treats you like _you_  and never specifically a boy or a girl.

For lunch you switch out who you sit by. Terezi’s friends are nice enough but there’s so many of them that sometimes it’s hard to get a word in.

Lunch with John is always interesting. The other day Rose had him positively _red_ about him liking a girl named Vriska.

When Jade laughed Rose said she knew who Jade liked and if she had anything to say Rose was sure that she would love to share it with the group.

Jade went crimson and stopped talking.

You’re pretty sure you know who they were talking about, but don’t really like thinking about it.

You were mostly trying to stay out of it, but then John just _had_ to turn attention to you.

“What about you, _Dave_?” He asks, waggling his eyebrows.

You raise a single eyebrow of your own. “What.”

His eyebrows remind you somewhat of a snake and you are somewhat impressed and somewhat creeped out. “You’ve been hanging out a bunch with Terezi, _right_?”

You stare at him blankly.

This again.

You shrug. “Whatever you want to think man, whatever floats your boat.”

John drops it but he’s still staring at you and smiling like he knows something.

Whatever.

English has turned out downright domestic.

Karkat still thinks you’re gay for one.

For another he’s always uncharastically nice to you. Always watching what he says around you. Like you’re some poor kid who’s so far in the closet he doesn’t know what the closet is; and that anything he says can be taken the wrong way and your flamboyant gay little pansy ass would break down at the simplest of quips.

Again, it’d be funny if it didn’t weird you out and freak the heck out of you.

You’re brother has not once picked you up this year. You think he knows that you have a ride.

John’s dad has been really cool about the whole thing, and never even says anything about it.

You wish that your bro would pick you up on Fridays at least though, or maybe you could walk home?

Because every Friday John asks if you want to hang out, and then maybe have a sleepover.

And every Friday you freak out and come up with an excuse on why you can’t.

And every time you feel like a bigger and bigger dick.

Today has been relatively normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. You learned about triangles, Terezi painted a sloppy picture of a person hanging himself, nothing really to note.

You made your way over to Jade’s table and sank quietly into the chair next to John.

He didn’t notice you for the first few minutes, and when he did he gave a satisfying jump.

“Dave! I told you not to do that!”

You laugh and ruffle his hair. “But you make it so easy John.”

He swats at your hand.

“So, what’s happenin’ my sugar covered peeps?”

Rose rolls her eyes but answers nonetheless. Even if it _is_ with a question. “What are your plans for this summer, David?”

“Rose. It’s almost Thanksgiving, why are you talking about summer already? Are you trying to make me depressed? I’m just going to go suicidal. Start cutting myself. Seriously Rose, why would you do this to me?”

She rolls her eyes again. “Every summer, John, Jade, and myself all head down to the beach for a weekend. We were wondering if you would care to join us.”

You kind of just stare at her. You’re sure your face is shocked and you’re glad for your sunglasses.

You lick your lips.

“You, you want me to go with you?” No you did not just stutter.

She nods and smiles at you warmly.

“Yeah, Dave!” Pips John, “It’d be awesome! I won’t have to be the only guy beside Jade’s older cousin! Who’s cool and all, but sometimes he’s a little weird.”

“Um, yeah.” You say, then nod. “Yeah, that’d be, cool.”

They want you to go with them.

Because they’re your friends.

“Awesome!” Says John, and sounds like he really means it.

“What’s awesome?” Asks Jade as she plops next to Rose.

“Dave said that he’ll go to the beach with us!”

She smiles over at you, “That’s great! It’ll be so much fun!”

“Yeah.” You nod.

Hanging out with your actual _friends_  at the beach would be fun.

Watermelon, sandcastles, swimming.

Swimming.

You feel your blood run cold.

You can’t.

The words are harsh and cold.

You _can’t_.

Maybe you could just say you forgot your swimsuit?

_But they would probably have extras._

You could just lie.

_But haven’t you lied enough?_

“I’ll have to check with my brother.” You find yourself saying. “See if he’s cool with it.”

This appears to be a normal thing to say because none of them questions you.

You’re quiet for the rest of the day, half out of it.

John sends you weird looks but you insist it’s just some project that you haven’t started yet.

Bro’s home when you arrive.

He glances up at you from his computer.

“Sup Little Lady?”

You swallow.

“My friends invited me to the beach this summer to stay a few nights.” You say.

He nods and turns back to the screen, “Sounds cool.”

Well there’s your permission.

You mumble something half heartedly about homework and spend the rest of the night in your room.

This has gone too far.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have someone you hate? Give them Windows 8!  
> Oh my god. Just shoot me now.  
> This would have been out sooner but, you know, Windows 8 hates google docs (excuse me, google drive, ugh) and gave me a Forbidden 403 Error. Life sucks. And so does Windows 8.
> 
> ~toki
> 
> (also ahahahaha- this is my favorite chapter! YES! Fun fact: this chapter was written before the entirety of the story. This and another random part that I can't remember, but whatever.)

You’re stiff and sore when you wake up that morning. Your chest feels heavy and you kind of just hate the world and yourself and really don’t want to move.

You get up.

You manage some toast down, though you want to puke the entire time, and make your way out the door.

You can’t help but thinking that today is going to be a long day.

You’re unreceptive in Math and quiet in Art.

When you follow Terezi to her table and rest your head on her shoulder, neither she nor Karkat question you.

You try and act normal around John and Rose, in your next classes. Though Rose keeps sending you concerned glances.

Karkat keeps looking at you weirdly but doesn’t say anything.

You’re just kind of staring numbly at your locker when John finds you.

“Hey!” He calls, “Dave! Do you wanna-” And then he just kind of cuts off.

He’s standing about a foot away, eyes wide as he stares at the side of your face. You refuse to look at him, and suddenly your locker is the most interesting thing. Ever.

“Uh,” He hesitates, “Dave? Are-are you okay?” He holds up a hand but it just kind of hovers there, uncertain. “D-dude. Are you _crying_?”

You grip the locker door tighter, and try to swallow. .

Yes you’re _fine_  because why wouldn’t you be?

And _no_  you're not crying, because you _don't_  cry.

Cool kids don't cry.

Striders don't cry.

Boys don't cry.

But you're not a boy and you're pretty sure that those are tears running down your face.

And all you can really think about right now is how you _really_  hope your brother doesn’t catch wind of this because he would be _so_ disappointed in you. And as much as you like to pretend that you’re too cool to care about things like family, you really _do_  look up to him. And you really don’t want to make things harder on him then they already are with you acting like some emotional adolescent teenage girl.

Even though you _are_  some emotional adolescent teenage girl.

And you can’t even tell your best friend, who is just about hyperventilating like he’s having an asthma attack or something, what’s wrong. Because how would he understand that you _really_  want to join Jade and Rose at their weekly sleepovers and you kind of just want to talk about clothes and makeup even though you don’t even _care_  about that kind of stuff. And you kind of just want to tell Jade that you just want to be friends and hang out and stuff and not have it be weird. And _you_  want to be the one to blush when Rose interrogates you on who you have a crush on.

And you _really_  want to go with your friends to the beach this summer, because you actually _have_  friends and they actually want to do stuff with you.

But you _can’t_.

Because you’re a Strider.

Because you’re ‘cool’.

Because you’re _you_.

And you might not really be a boy, but all of your friends think you are, and it _hurts_.

You didn’t think it would, you thought you’d be fine because being sexist is _stupid_ , but you’re _not_. You’re not fine. You hate this. You hate _lying_  to everybody about who you are. You _hate_  lying to your brother, telling him that your days have been monosymbolicly ‘fine’ even though you don’t think he really cares which just hurts _more_.

You hate this and you hate _everything_ , but you mostly hate yourself.

Because you _know_  you brought this upon yourself, so you have no one else to blame.

And also, you’re pretty sure you just made John cry.

Which is just about the worst thing that you could have done.

So all you can do is keep a straight face and wipe the water from your chin. Because you can’t tell him what’s wrong, even though you _really_  want to. And you can’t tell him the real reason why you two can’t have sleepovers like the girls do, even though he’s kind of stopped asking which just makes you feel like a terrible friend. And you can’t tell him that you _honest to god_  don’t have a crush on Terezi.

You can’t tell him anything.

Because if you did, you’re pretty sure you’d just hurt him more.

Which would be worse than anything else because you’re pretty sure that you’re in love with him.

But you can’t tell him that either.

You slam your locker shut and scoff, “Dude, I’m fine. Just something in my eye.” You turn away from him and start walking. “Is your dad here yet, or what? Hurry up, Egderp.”

You think he must have wiped off his face because it looks dry to you now, but so does his smile.

Dry, and empty.

You’re not okay, and he’s not okay that you’re not okay. But he respects you enough not to push it.

You just hope that, when the time comes, he doesn’t lose all of that respect.

-

You’re tired and stiff when you wake up. Your head hurts, your eyes hurt, and your whole body aches.

You’re pretty sure you cried yourself to sleep last night.

You’re also pretty sure that your brother didn’t check on you once yesterday since you got home bleary eyed and shaking.

You didn’t bother answering him when he ironically asked how your day was.

A rumbling from your stomach reminds you that you also didn’t eat dinner.

Not that there’s ever anything edible _to_  eat in this household.

You hoist yourself up out of bed and begin your routine.

You idly wonder, as you tie a knot by your side and pull a T-shirt over your head, when you started opting sports bras out for just binding your chest completely.  

It’s a bit constricting (and god forbid you do anything physical like this) but you’ve pretty much become... accustomed to it. The restricted breathing room, the stiff movements.

It’s becoming a part of you.

And you hate it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hey. This chapter. Oh yeah.
> 
> ~toki

You were really hoping that the next day would’ve been the weekend so you wouldn’t have to drag your sorry ass out of bed.

It’s still only a Friday though, so you get up and dressed and brush your teeth and run out the door because you’re going to be late for school. You don’t eat breakfast.

You can only manage a nod at Jade when she greets you with a cheery hello and tries to hug you.

You push her off.

You’re quiet during Art and Terezi doesn’t question you when you follow her to her table.

Karkat doesn’t even say anything and just sits on her other side without a second glance as you let your head fall and hit the table.

You avoid people you know in your afternoon classes but are ambushed by John at your locker.

“Dave,” He says, and you simply stare at him. He smiles (and it’s sad and it hurts), “Wanna come over and watch a movie tonight?”

You hesitate. Because you really kind of _would_  like to watch a movie with him, he’s kind of your best friend now (save maybe Terezi) but you don’t know if you should. Due to the state you’re in right now and in general.

“Come on,” says John, “Just one movie. Then my dad can drive you home.”

You manage a nod.

A ‘movie’ turns out to include a snack, and then dinner halfway through the second (apparently it was John’s favorite.

You hadn't even noticed how late it was getting until you glanced outside and saw the lack of light.

John said ‘just _one_  more’ because this one was clearly the best and he thought that you would really like it.

You think you fell asleep at the one after that.

“-fuck.” You say, and you’re really glad you’re Bro’s not around to hear you say it. Because he’d probably flick you in the nose and tell you to never fucking curse under his roof again.

Even though you live in an apartment.

“What time is it?” You ask, and stare blearily at the television screen which seems to be playing some late night anime show.

You shades are falling down your nose and are mashed against your face awkwardly so you fix it before your eyes go searching for John.

He’s on the couch, asleep. His own glasses smashed against his cheek, and you hazily realise that you fell asleep on the floor.

No wonder you’re crazy stiff.

“John.” You say, and crawl forward slightly on your knees, “John.” You poke his cheek but he just murmurs something incoherent and smashes his face further into the couch cushion.

You roll your eyes but stand up, swaying slightly, and make your way almost drunkenly to the kitchen. There’s this little analog clock on the microwave and you have to squint at the green numbers even through your sunglasses.

12:38 PM

Fuck.

-

Bro is on you like a drug hound the second you get through the door.

“Hey you little shit. Where the hell have you been?” He’s leering down at you, and you really _do_  feel bad for staying out all night and not calling or anything, because you _know_  he wouldn’t have cared if you’d just told him.

And you still know he doesn’t really care, he just likes reasons to give you grief.

“Out.” you answer, because really, what are you supposed to say? Sorry Bro, I fell asleep at my best friend’s house who just happens to be a guy and I also happen to kind of unironically love him because he thinks I’m a dude and had this whole ploy to get me to stay the night at his house.

Yeah, no.

“‘Out’ huh? And just when were you going to inform me of this, young lady?” He only calls you young lady when he’s really mad, usually it’s just Little Lady. “Were you just going to stay out all night? What was you plan? What were you thinking? Hell. _Did_ you even think?”

You’re not really sure what possessed you to talk back. Because you _never_  talk back to Bro. It’s just not something people do.

Well, people who value their lives that is.

He was just making you _so angry_ , and you’ve always thought it was stupid how men could never control their anger and now, with everything going on and with Bro being _Bro_  and _forcing_ himself (his being his essence his _everything_ ) on you and you just can’t take it anymore.

You just can’t fucking take it.

“Fuck you!” You screech, “Just shut the _fuck_  up! What the hell do you know!?” You’re shaking now, you’re fists are clenched and your eyes _burn_  with something that you will forever deny are tears.

He opens his mouth again, but you _refuse_  to let him patronize you anymore. Sure you’re still a kid, but you’re pretty sure that you’ve been more mature than him for the past few years.

“No.” You say, and this time your voice is cold and quiet. It scares you. You never thought that you’d get this angry about something like this. The cold anger is always the worst. You’ve felt it before, once or twice, at your old school. But not at Bro. _Never_  at Bro.

Because Bro is all you have. Had. Bro _was_  all you had. You have _f_ _riends_  now. Real _friends_  who want to _hang out_  with you and spend actual _time_  with you.

Unlike Bro.

Because you’re never good enough for Bro. Never. He never even wants to be around you. Of course you don’t really blame him. You’re kind of a worthless sack of shit. How did you even _m_ _anage_  friends?

You can’t get too far in your self hatred, because you’re too mad at Bro right now.

“Listen.” You say, your voice flat, “I know you want to play the ‘ironic parent’ card or what have you, but it’s a bit too late for that trick. Don’t just pretend like you give a shit all of a sudden, because I know you don’t. So could you just drop this _bullshit_  and tell me what you really want here? I kind of have stuff to do, not that you care.”

You look at him expectantly, and he’s still just silently staring down at you. _God_.

“What,” you say, annoyed, “smuppet got your tongue? I’m serious Bro, I have homework.” At least you think you do. You might have gotten that done in class. You haven’t actually failed a class once you found out that it couldn’t be used as an attention seeker and just dropped your grade point average.

“Dave.” He says, and then just stands there. This is actually starting to piss you off more.

“Dude, if you’re gonna lecture me, could you make it quick?” You really don’t want to deal with this right now.

He gives you a pained look. which involves his eyebrows twitching and lips pursing. Or maybe that’s just his annoyed look, they all look so similar, you get them confused sometimes.

You roll your eyes. “Whatever, I don’t have time for this.” You make your way to your room, he catches your arm.

“Dave, I-” He cuts himself off, and just kind of stares down at you. You shake him off and slam your door in his face.

Bro doesn’t bother you after that.

You don’t eat breakfast like you told Mr. Egbert you would. you don’t eat lunch or dinner either for that matter.

You spend the day staring at your computer screen and practicing the art of not crying.

By the time it’s eight o’clock you’re exhausted and hungry but there is no way you’re leaving your room for _anything_ , not even for food or the bathroom.

You crawl into bed and cover your head with the covers.

You’re pretty sure you cry yourself to sleep. You’ll just have to practice more.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darn it, now I actually have to write it or something.  
> Drats.
> 
> ~toki
> 
> (ohmygoshwhyisthischaptersoshortwhathappened)

You pretty much ignore John for the rest of the week.

On Friday you both apologise. Him for tricking you, and you for ignoring him.

You both agree that you should hang out this weekend. Just hang out, for maybe a few hours. Not at either home, but out somewhere.

You decide on the park.

You’re not really sure if you’re stable enough right now to be dealing with him, but you can honestly not spend another minute alone in your apartment. Bro has been rather scarce since your episode last weekend.

You brought your skateboard because John said that he’s never ridden on and you can simply not let this stand any longer.

You both meet up at a quarter to ten. That will give you a few hours to hang out; you can grab something to eat, then return to your respective homes.

John is five minutes late, but that’s okay because you were ten minutes early.

He waves to you as he approaches. “Hey Dave!” And then he notices your board. “Oh man. You were serious!?”

You smirk. “Of course I was. You can’t be a man if you don’t know how to skateboard, Egbert. This is simply a fact of life.”

John rolls his eyes but there’s a certain spark to them that you recognize. “Whatever.”

You stand up. “Well then. Let’s get started, shall we?”

John takes to skateboarding relatively well (only falling flat on his face the first few times). He comments that it’s kind of like riding a scooter without the handles. You have ridden both and can honestly say that no, it’s not. But you don’t say anything and just roll your eyes when he comments how easy it is.

“That’s because all you’re doing is rolling in a straight line! You’re not _doing_  anything Egbert.”

He slows down and hobbles off. He picks up the board and thrusts it over to you. “Fine then. If you’re such a professional, why don’t _you_  show me how it’s done?”

So you do.

You also show him how to fall off a railing and sprain your ankle.

“Oh my God!” He screeches as he runs over and frets with his arms waving frantically but not actually doing anything. “It’s _broken_! Oh _man_! What do we do! Should I call someone!? Oh man! Dave! Dave can you still hear me! Don’t go into the light, bro! I’m warning you about the light! Don’t do it!”

You chuck your shoe (which you removed from the swelling appendage) at him. “Stop shouting, you're making a scene. It’s just a sprain.” You remove your jacket and wrap it around your foot (though you're not sure if that helps any). “Can you grab my board?” You ask. He does.

“Um, Dave? Are you gonna be alright?” He’s quieted down considerably, but still has a frantic look in his eyes.

“Yeah, it’ll heal. Now.” You glance up at him and smirk. “How would you like to be my prince charming?”

-

“Oh. My. _God_.” Huffs John as he grips the railing, “You just _had_  to live on the top floor, didn’t you?”

You smile into his shoulder and readjust your grip on the skateboard against his chest. “What can I say? Strider’s like the best.”

“Ugh, more like the worst.”

You smack him with your shoe and shimmy your key from your front pocket.

It’s quite the challenge, getting the door unlocked and open and both of you through it, but somehow you manage.

He drops you on the couch (and you muffle your screech of pain) and collapses on the floor.

“How do you _do_  that everyday?” He breaths.

You shrug, “I’m just in better shape, that’s all.”

He barks out a laugh, “Yeah, I would be too if I had to do that every day. Where’s your aspirin?”

“Bathroom.” You’re not sure if he means for you or him, but you really hope he brings you some.

He gets up and heads for the hall. After a while you hear an ‘a-ha!” and then he’s shuffling around in the kitchen ‘why do you have so much shit dave?’ and you assume that he’s just getting water or something.

You glance up over at him and your eyes widen and your body stiffens.

“No!” You screech, and John’s hand halts, mere inches from the fridge.

His eyes are wide as he stares at you. “What? I was just gonna grab some ice or something!”

You hobble to place yourself between John and the fridge. “We don’t have ice,” you say. “We can just put a cold washcloth on it, they’re in the hall closet.”

He’s still looking at your weird, but helps you sit down again ‘don’t be getting up, gawd, I feel like a mother hen’ and gets you the wash cloth.

You kind of do wish you had ice.

He sticks around for a movie or two and his dad comes to pick him up at five.

He wishes you well and is out the door.

The apartment is quiet again.

You can’t decide if you’re glad your brother isn’t home or not.

You fall asleep on the couch.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.   
> Sorry.
> 
> Took me long enough, huh?  
> Only a few chapters to go! This pains me! Yay!
> 
> ~toki

Rose has been looking at you weirdly all day.

Normally you wouldn’t even see her until lunch, but today she seems to be following you around, watching you in the hallways. It’s actually sort of starting to freak you out.

Right before lunch she’s there; waiting for you outside of the Art room. Terezi scrunches up her face at you, but shrugs when you tell her to go on ahead.

You nod as you approach Rose, and greet her with a “Sup.”

She glances at you before looking away again. She doesn’t smile. “Davi-” She pauses to lick her lips, “Dave. Could I- would you allow- can we talk?” She’s stumbling over her words and she won’t look at you.

You heart seems to beat slower as you’re slowly filled with dread.

Was something wrong? Why would she need to talk to you? Was somebody hurt?

_Did she know?_

You swallow but nod nonetheless. “Yeah, sure.”

She shifts from foot to foot before giving a tight nod, taking a deep breath, and motioning for you to follow her.

Rose leads you into a near empty hallway. It appears to contain a few empty classrooms, lockers, and a janitors closet. She waits for the few select students to finish up at their lockers and head off to lunch before finally turning to you.

“Dave.” She says again, and bites at her bottom lip. “There is something- well, it’s not, I have a subject-” she cuts herself off again and fiddles with her bangs. She glances up at you and takes another deep breath before standing up straight and squaring her shoulders. “Davi- Dave. There is something I wish to discuss with you.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Okay, shoot.”

She nods again and takes yet another breath. “It has been brought to my attention that- not that anyone told me! I just- just me. I- I have to ask you something Dave.”

“Lalonde, just spit it out already.” You roll your eyes, _honestly_.

“Dave. I understand that- well, you see. I’m not judging you Dave. Never. I would _never_. You are my friend and nothing will change that. You understand that don’t you?” You just motion for her to continue. “Dave. I know- well that’s, I mean, are you, well...”

“Rose,” you say harshly, “ _what_.”

“You’re a girl.”

You’re blood runs cold.

_How_.

How could she know? Were you not careful enough? Were you just fooling yourself this whole time?

You don’t say anything. You _can’t_.

“I’m, I’m right, aren’t I?” She asks, and your throat is dry. “You, you’re a girl?” She waves her hands frantically, and you’ve never actually seen Rose act like this before. “Which is fine! I don’t care how you identify yourself. If- if you are male then I shall treat you as such, and if you wish for me to keep my mouth shut then I will be happy to oblige but just- you are. Right?”

It takes you a moment to respond. “Y-yeah. I’m a girl.”

It’s weird, having her know. She’s looking at you differently, but not in the way you’d thought she would, and it’s not actually all that different.

“Is, is there a reason? I mean, that you’re doing this? Would you, mind telling me too terribly?”

Your eyes are closed and you’re breathing deeply, hand on the wall for support.

You nod. She deserves to know.

But when you open your eyes and look over at her your heart stops all together.

John is standing just around the corner. His eyes wide as he stares at you.

“No.” You whisper, and Rose tilts her head before whipping around.

“John.” she says, and that seems to snap John out of whatever trance he’s in because he turns around and takes off running. Rose takes a few steps and calls after him.

You can’t move, you can’t breath, you can barely _think_.

It takes you a few moments to realise that Rose is saying your name. Over and over and over..

You push her away, “Jesus, Lalonde. What.”

Her eyebrow furrow and her arms are still hovering about you. “Dave, are you alright?”

You shrug. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

She doesn’t look convinced. “You’re crying Dave.”

“Fuck! Again?” You rub at your eyes, but mostly it just hurts.

“Again?” She questions.

“I just- I’ve been stressed lately. And then you- and now John- agh! Fuck!”

“Dave, calm down.” She grabs your arms and holds them in place. “Are you having- identity problems? If you are you can talk to me you know, or maybe we could get someone who would be better suited for-”

“Fuck, Lalonde.” You say, cutting her off. “I’m not having an identity crisis. I don’t think I’m a guy or some shit like that. I just- it was a misunderstanding, and then I just, I never bothered to correct anyone.”

She blinks at you, eyes owlish. “Everyone, we all- I- we viewed you unfairly as male, and you just never set things straight.”

“Everyone ‘sept Terezi. She knew from the start.” Rose nods like this makes perfect sense, and then the next thing you know she’s pulling you into a hug.  

-

John avoided you for the rest of the day.

He switched seats in your shared class and wouldn’t sit with you guys at lunch.

He wouldn’t even look at you.

Every time you tried to talk to him- to explain, to _apologise_ \- he’d run the other way or lose you in a crowd.

After school you didn’t even try to find him- just started walking home.

Home is such a stupid word for it.

Home should be welcoming and inviting. You should have someone there who cares about you, who bothers to actually _be_  there for you.

Your sunglasses are off and in your hand and you’re rubbing at your irritated eyes ( _no_  you didn’t cry on the way home) as you open the door to the apartment.

Your brother’s there, standing a few feet from the door with his arms crossed like he has nothing to better to do with his life.

You ignore him.

You drop your backpack by the door and kick off your shoes.

“Dave.”

You head for the kitchen. Apple juice sounds _really_  good right about now.

“Dave.” He follows you.

You get down a cup and get the apple juice from the fridge.

“Dave.”

You pour yourself some of the liquid and take a deep drink.

“Dave we need to talk.”

You finish your glass and reach to fill it up again but Bro’s hand shoots out and grabs your wrist.

“Dave.” He says, and that is _it_. He opens his mouth again but you beat him to the punch.

“For the last two months- for the _entirety_  of our time here- everyone at school though I was a guy. Now Rose and John know. But it’s not like their names mean anything because you never ask me about my friends- because I actually _have_  some this time around.”

You rip your arm out of his grip and pour another glass, holding up a finger as you do so.

You are _so_  not done.

You set your cup down and lick your lips before turning back to your brother.

“So now John knows and hates me and basically my life is over or something dramatic like that. And just so you know: John is sort of my best friend and I may sort of kind of unironically love him or some shit like that. Sorry Bro, I seemed to have failed you. Turns out I do have feelings and emotions. Huh, who knew.” He starts to say something but you just talk over him. “And those feelings are actually kind of hurt when you don’t give two shits about me. But I decided it doesn’t even really fucking matter. Because I don’t like me either. And if I were you I’d try to stay away as much as possible. So good job there.”

You don’t even see him move.

You are just getting way too many hugs these days.

“Woah! Hey, no. Bro, let go. Stop it.” you try pushing him away but the man is like steel.

“Sorry.” he says, and then says it over and over.

And you’re just really fucking confused.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is spiraling into a terrible place of abyss. I am so sorry for it’s existence. The ending will suck and you will hate it. Nothing will be resolved.
> 
> Dave rambles and life is terrible. I am so sorry for this terrible monstrosity.

Bro makes you breakfast.

It’s burnt-to-a-crisp eggs and bacon, but he made you breakfast.

He made you dinner last night too. Sure it was ramen and toast but it was still dinner. He forced you to sit on the couch afterwards as he awkwardly pet your head and you watched one of your favorite movies.

It was surreal.

He drives you to school and then says that he’ll be back to pick you up when it gets over.

He ruffles your hair and tells you to have a good day and that you two need to talk when you get home.

You’re sort of wading through water when Rose rushes you in the hall.

“It wasn’t me, I swear,” she says quickly before you can even think about speaking. “I haven’t told a soul. And I don’t believe it was John either. Someone else must have been there.”

You just blink slowly at her. “Lalonde, what the fuck are you talking about.”

She bites her lip. “Everybody knows Dave. Everyone knows that you’re a girl.”

And that’s when you realise that the halls are strangely quiet. People keep glancing your way and then whipping around when you glance at them, only to whisper to the person closest to them.

It’s even more surreal than Bro was last night and this morning.

You just sort of blink again and let out a soft “oh.”

Rose bites her lip harder but reaches for your arm and starts leading you through the halls. “I’ll walk you to class,” She says, and you can only nod numbly.

She even leads you to your desk and sets you down. You’re about to say something- what you have no idea- when she lets out a harsh “Jade.” You look up.

Jade is red in the face. Her expression is all screwed up and you're not sure if she’s mad or what.

“But he- she- but _John_ -”

“We _assumed_. Dave didn’t lie. I don’t know what people are telling you, but you tell me if I’m wrong. Has Dave _ever_  said _anything_  to lead you to your conclusion, or did _her_  appearance lead you to make your own?”

Jade opens her mouth then closes it a few times. She seems to deflate. She turns to you and opens her mouth to say something, but seems to change her idea on what it was at the last moment. “Sorry,” she says, then turns her head away and slinks to her seat.

Rose sighs and rests a hand on your head. You look up at her. “I’ll see you later.” She says, and tries to smile. You nod and she’s gone.

Class is about ten times worse than the halls. Everybody is whispering and the teacher does nothing about it, just sends you a few sympathetic questioning glances. You wonder if she knew the whole time.

Jade awkwardly walks you to your next class. She still seems to be angry, but mostly that she can’t figure out what to be angry about. She glares at people in the halls for you so you feel as though your friendship isn’t entirely lost.

You think you might me more bothered by it all if that thing with Bro hadn't happened last night. Had he not known what he was doing to you? How alone you felt?

Were things going to change?

You might have to switch schools, you muse. And you’re not sure whether that would be a good or bad thing. Maybe you can even still stay in touch with Rose and Terezi.

Maybe even Jade and Karkat (who hasn’t seemed to hate you as much recently).

You think you’ll grow out your hair.

Wear tighter clothes (not revealing, just so you’re not a shapeless blob) and a larger variety of colors.

Terezi sits extra close in Art and smiles at you every now and then.

You’ll have to get an e-mail or number from her later, even if you don’t have to leave.

She drags you to lunch and you don’t have much of a protest.

Her friends all glance up as you arrive. There’s a tense moment before they all declare that they don’t really care and it doesn’t actually change anything for them since they don’t know you very well anyways.

Karkat comes to lunch late.

His left eye is sporting quite the shiner and he makes a beeline for you. Before you can even take a breath to say something his hand is over your mouth.

“Don’t.” He says, “Just, _don’t_. I get it now, okay? I- I get it. And I’m sorry. I’m _really fucking sorry_. Past me is an idiot, okay? Just, don’t pay any attention to him. Present me isn’t really much better. I should have seen it- I should have known. Karkat Vantas, fuckass extraordinaire. It’s me. I get the whole ‘not gay’ thing now. Even if I didn’t before. That really should have spelled it out for me, but it didn’t. Because I’m an idiot. So I’m sorry.”

He sinks in the seat next to you with a huff and rests his head in his arms.

After a while he turns his head to face you and lets out another annoyed huff, but gives a kind of crooked smile. He holds out his hand.

“Can we start over?”

You smile back. It’s small and crooked like his, but mostly because you’re not used to it. You had no reason to use it before.

“Yeah.”

You both re-introduce yourselves.

You ask him how he got his black eye.

He rolls his eyes and says that he was defending your womanly honor.

You ask him if he’ll be your knight in shining armor, and take you off on his valiant steed into the sunset.

He tells you to fuck off.

-

John is sitting next to you again in Bio, but still won’t look at you.

About five minutes before the bell for class to end rings, when all the other kids are starting to line up by the door and you and him are just sitting there awkwardly, he turns to you.

“So it’s- true.”

It’s not a question.

“Yeah.”

You answer anyway.

His mouth is a flat line and it almost looks as though he’s going to say something- but he doesn’t.

He stands up and joins the mass of teenagers.

-

Rose is waiting for you in your next class.

She asks how your day is going.

You tell her ‘fine’ because you honestly don’t know.

She doesn’t press the matter.

-

Karkat is waiting in front of the doors to your English class. He’s sending death glares to anyone who so much as looks at you funny.

“My hero.” You say, and place your hand on your forehead. “I might just faint from all this excitement.”

“Oh, fuck off, Strider.” He says, but still sits next to you in class, kicking whoever used to sit next to you into another seat.

The teacher doesn’t say anything.

The bell rings and you and Karkat are just leaving the classroom when someone calls your name.

It’s John.

He glances at Karkat and Karkat glances at you. You nod at him and he leaves, but not before growling (he actually growled) at John.

John turns and starts to walk away.

You follow.

He leads you to a hall that is vacant.

The bell rings, signaling that you are both late for class.

He waits another ten minutes before turning to you.

“Dave.” he says, “Is that even your real name?”

“Dave Elizabeth Strider. My Bro likes to think he’s funny by ruining my life. You could call me Beth or Lizzy if it’d help.”

Apparently it wouldn’t, and apparently it’s too soon for jokes because John does not seem amused.

“Dave,” he says again, and now he looks angry. “You _lied_  to me.”

And you, you who has been mostly empty all day feel all the feelings and emotions rushing back to you with that simple accusation.

“Yeah?” you ask, “Okay, when?”

His anger dissipates for a millisecond before it’s back, “What do you mean? You lied to me. You lied to everyone. We all thought you were a guy and you’re not you’re just a-”

“Just a what?” you ask over him, “Just a _girl_? Please, for the love of _god_  Egbert. Do _not_  tell me you were about to say ’ _just_   _a_ _girl_ ’. So what if I’m ‘just a girl’? Does that change who I am? No. Does it change what I look like? _No_. It doesn’t. All it changes is your perception of me. I _h_ _onestly_  don’t know why you’re so upset. Sure, be a little confused that you were wrong about my gender. Be a little mad at me because I didn’t bother to _correct_  you. But in the end? You should either be mad at yourself or just get the fuck over it because _I_   _never lied_.

“And okay, maybe if you want to say obstruction of the truth is still a lie, and that therefore _I_  lied, whatever. But don’t go blaming me. What does it even _matter_. Society’s view on gender roles is just _sad_. So _what_  if I like raps and baggy clothes and not dresses and makeup? So _what_. If anyone has the right to be angry here John, it’s _me_. _I’m_  the one everyone thought was a dude for the past two months. _I'm_  the one who’s been hurt.

“And maybe your feel hurt and lied to, but people won’t even _look_  at me anymore. For something I _didn’t_ _do_. I didn’t tell them that I was a girl and bother correcting them when they just assumed I was a guy so I’m in the wrong. But I _never_  said I was a guy. So you can just get off your high horse and just- just-” Your fuel is running out. You’re exhausted and angry and just- you just want your best friend back. “whatever.” you finish lamely.

John just stares at you, his mouth has gone slack and his eyebrows are tight together.

You sigh, rubbing your temples with your hand. “Look, if you want to be mad I guess I can’t really blame you. You’re right. I should have told people after I found out- but dude. I was hurt. _Everyone thought I was a guy_. How would you feel if everyone thought you were a girl? Bet you’d feel downright embarrassed. Maybe even a little mad. So can you really blame me? I thought ‘fine, if they all think I’m a guy, that that’s what I’ll be’. It honestly didn’t even matter, but now I guess it sort of does.

“So, I’m sorry. I should have told you and I didn’t.”

John is twisting his mouth and biting at his cheeks. He shifts a bit. “I guess I-” he stops and licks his lips. “I didn’t think about- that. I just- you should have said something! No wonder you didn’t want to come over and- and then I made you and- ugh!” He pulls at his hair. “I’m- I’m sorry too. I’m not handling this very well. I just- I was mad that you never said anything! I had to overhear you and Rose and I just- this is not going well at all.”

You shrug and stick your hands in your pockets. “Karkat and I started over today. Shook hands and everything. Maybe we could do that?”

John is biting his cheek again, and you’re thinking maybe he doesn’t actually want anything to do with you.

But then he’s smiling and holding out his hand. “Hi.” He says, “I’m John. It’s nice to meet you.”

You’re having to hold back a grin yourself as you take his hand. “Dave.” You say, then lower your voice, “Dave Strider.” John laughs and it’s one of the best things you’ve ever heard. “I’m also a girl, just so you know.”

He rolls his eyes, “I gathered.” You stand there for a moment, grinning like idiots. After a moment John realises that you’re still holding hands.

He snatches his away with a red face. “Sorry.” You wave him off.

“S’no problem.” You say, and your hands return to your pockets. You’re thankful for your sunglasses and the emotion that they can hide.

John opens his mouth again but the bell interrupts him. He laughs. “I guess we should get going, huh?”

You nod, “Yeah, suppose so.”

“Do you need a ride?” He asks, as he holds the door open for you. You squeeze past some other kids and glance around outside.

There, sitting in the loading zone is an old, beat-up red truck. “Nah, you say.” And wave over at your Bro, “My brother is picking me up.”

John looks surprised, “Oh, cool!” He smiles at you again. “Well, I guess we should head out then, huh?”

“Yeah, we should.” You agree.

The two of you stand there awkwardly for a moment. John gives you a quick hug and steps away, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Well, I guess... I’ll see you tomorrow?”

You nod again, “Yeah, tomorrow.”

He smiles again and waves to you as he walks away.

When he’s lost in the mob of people you turn to your own guardian. You make your way over and climb in the truck.

“How was your day?” He asks, starting up the pickup as you buckle your seatbelt in.

“It was good.” You say, and it was.

He nods, “Cool, wanna go grocery shopping?”

He’s not looking at you and that could be just because he’s driving, but you really doubt it.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Kay, then we can go home and have that talk, okay?”

It’s almost as if he’s asking permission.

“Yeah, okay.” you say, and lean against the window, watching the outside world flash by.

Things weren't perfect, but they were better.

Tomorrow, you told yourself, tomorrow things would be different. For better or for worse, things would be different.

You had a feeling though, that it would be better.

Maybe, someday soon, when John is used to the idea of you being a girl, you might tell him that you sort of have a thing for him.

And by sort of you pretty much think he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Maybe you and Karkat could confess on the same day. You think he might be up for that. Maybe one of you might even succeed in your endeavors.

Maybe, someday.

Until then, you’ll just wait for tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter word count: 2424
> 
> Again, I am so sorry for this. Maybe you liked it though? Ugh. This thing is done. See? I can finish things. It was going to have another chapter, but then I smashed everything into one. This way I am done sooner. YEEESSSSS! See? I can finish things. Even if they’re lame. And sappy. And like, nothing happens in them. Again, sorry. Thanks to those of you who like, read the whole thing through. Your comments really made my day on more than one occasion. So, thank you! :) 
> 
> Now I can move on to writing good fanfiction! Or at least stuff that is marginally better. Yay!
> 
> Until next time then.
> 
> ~toki


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